Not being wanted

This post is kind of a spur of the moment thing, but something that has always let me down and feel bad about myself is when people cancel events or say they are 'Cancelled' so that you don't go, and I'd honestly prefer people to be honest and say 'sorry you can't come *insert valid reason*' instead if lying straight to your face!

It just seems all very petty, and I understand that I get annoying and quite full on at times, but that's just me, and most people misinterpret that as being clinging and so they push me away and seeing as so many people seem to do this to me I've decided that in the new year I'm going to become a completely different people so that maybe more people will like and stop pushing me away, because I'm sick of just being left out all the time :(

LONDON

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while but things have been pretty hectic over the last couple of weeks with one thing and another!
But on the 21st and 22nd of December I performed in the Britten theatre on London and it was the most unreal experience in the whole world, performing in an outstanding theatre!
But most of all I met some amazing people and they have changed my life, I've been through many friends throughout my life and nothing compares to the people I've met through doing Henry viii because they are the most real and honest people I know and they would never judged me, and it's made me realise that if I had taken my life, I would have never of made these people and had such an amazing take, and you never know , if they had never met me, their life could be at risk!
Just think about how you can change someone else's life!

Performing in LONDON

yeah so the title pretty much gives it away, but in 3 weeks i'm performing in the Britten theater in London  i'm part of a self funded production called 'Henry viii the musical' and it is literally an amazing thing to be part of, it has literally changed my life, it has meant that I've met so many great people and they've built up my confidence so much and its meant that i can really life a normal life!
so if you interested in seeing this one of a kind show visit this website - http://www.henryviiithemusical.com/
buy tickets and come see it this December 21st and 22nd!

Also keep updated with my YouTube channel - http://www.youtube.com/user/danspaces
and for updates follow my twiiter - @danspaces

I've never been good with words...

So, i met this girl the other day and she was pretty nice, but cause i lack so much self confidence i just ended up mumblung and muddling up all of my words and just making a fool of myself, but throught like text/facebook we talk all the time about eveything but i still find it hard to talk to her in person, cause i just get so nervous,!

the first time i met her i said ' name my dan is hi' in all honesty i have never done something so embarrassing infront of someone before but it did actually do something for me because she found my clumsyiness cute, and i get its always a good sign when a girl girl calls you cute anyway!

Long time no see

Hi guys, sorry i havent posted a blog post in a while, its because someone at my school somehow found out about my blog and i deleted it for a while so noone would be able to read into my past and mention it in person to me,

but anyways for the last month or so life has been pretty mundane, just doing the same old things as i usually do, but i know work monday-friday after school so im even more tired than i'm meant to be but also i am rehearsing for a london musical called 'henry viii the musical' it is being performed in the britten theatre in london on the 22nd and 23 of december, so if anyone reading this is in london around the time make sure you come and see it!

Check out my youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-t9Y_X3IMc&feature=plcp

Cats Are Evil

This is more of a rant post because of something that happened to me the other day and i thought some readers may find it slightly amusing

I was walking to my local shop and a cat starts rubbing agaimst my legs and normally i'd be like what the hell go away you stupid cat, so i start stroking it and another cat appears, and i start getting really freaked out because i really dislike cats, but then they start fighting and as i walk away they satrted clawing at my legs, so i walk abit faster, but one of them like digs its claws in to my legs hard as hell, so i'm in like crazy amounts of pain, and i start shaking my leg to get it off me and it flies of my legs which i have to admit did make me laugh.

So i thought i was safe and the other cats reappears and i literally leg it away form these demon cats that obviously hate me and are trying to kill me, but every time i see a cat i'm ready to fight, because CATS ARE EVIL!

I'll be doing a video about 'Cats are Evil' on my ytube page sometime this week, so keep alook out on my channel and while you wait chekout my lastest video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-t9Y_X3IMc&feature=plcp

My New Youtube Page

So i'm starting a youtube page and starting to do vlogs and other videos, so if you wanna watch my up to date videos do it because you'll see that i'm not all doom and gloom and you'll get to meet some of the people around me that kept me on the world, so views, comments, likes and subscribes are welcome!

I'm trying to get as many views as i can by christmas because i'm having a compettition with a friend to see who can get the most views, the competition started yesterday (25th september) and runs till christmas (25th december) and the loser has to be a slave for the day and if you guys help me win, you'll be able to see what i get my slave to do!

http://www.youtube.com/user/danspaces - the link to my youtube channel

and i'll be trying to upload videos atleast once a week!

The Whole 'Gay' Rumor

I mentioned in an earlier post that whilst i was being bullied people always used to spread rumors that i was gay, and they all said this about me because, i was always a very submissive person because of my lack of confidence. this meant that i would tend to hang round with girls more than boys because i came to the assumption that boys would just verbally abuse me so i shyed away from it.

But the thing was half the boys that were saying it to me they would like hump each other and touch each other and didn't have anything to do with girls, where as i got to spend a lot of time with the girls getting to see a lot more than i should on an occasion from time to time ;) and many of the girls i ended up nbeing in relationships with,

so i think they need to look up the definition of 'gay' before they go throwing around calling people it when to be frank they're the ones that are probably gay, but that's not really my space to say, because you can never tell whats going on in someone else's mind

And now i'm happy to say I've got a girlfriend who is managing to change my life, in more ways that one

Slipping Down The Slippery Slope

Yeah so i thought the post title was rather amusing, but that just kinda me being the weird kid that i am, but this post is actually about how easy it is to slip back into old habbits. And even though i go in and out and my low phases, its simple though - like you can wake up feeling in a good mood and just a simple unsult or action towards you can simple ruin your day, and you get in to that mood where everything that happens just brings you down and makes you feel worse

so by the time you get home and you're on your own thoughts start to turn dark as there's noone there to tell you others wise and it can be simple to slip in to the routine of selfharming, i know cause it still happens to me - BUT you know what? i've started thinking about it differently, everytime someone insults me i think of it as a way to improve myself, like all those times people called me fat, yeah i've completely changed my diet and started running alot which means that i'm losing weight and every day i'm starting to feel better about myself and my confidence is coming back slowly.

i'm not saying that i'll never self harm again, because i can't see that there wont be times in life when i can't help myself, but when i get down i'll go to a mates house or something for the night, just to have the company and help me forget whats happened,

Don't try to do it alone, because there's others out there like you that will give you the support you need

Do You Want It All?

Growing up as a teenager is extremely hard especially nowadays when there is huge pressure when it comes to clothes and gadgets, and labels are everything, so if you don't have the nicest of clothes of the newest of phones some people look down on you because they're rich and can afford all the nice things.

This is one of the main reasons why i always resented my dad, because he left my mum with nothing except me and my brother, which made it increasingly hard for her to be able to buy me and my brother the nicest of stuff, so i always felt less than others because in years 7 and 8 my clothes were all bhs and debenhams, but as fashion became more important when it came to social standing i had to get the nicer clothes just to try and fit in, and thinking back i'd thought  about shoplifting just so i wouldn't have to ask my mum for money to get posh clothes - money i knew she didn't have.

And at the age of 13 i got my self a saturday job in my village just to make some extra money so i didnt have to depend on my mum as much and to help fund my extravagant spending, and as i got older, clothes got more expensive as common brands nowadays are ralph lauren, jack wills and similar thins which are extorsionately expensive, and now at the age of 16 i work everyday after school for 2 hours as a cleaner just to afford nice clothes.

There was times when i'd get so jealous of other people because they had nice clothes, the newest of gadgets, and because they seemed happy, and one boy i was jealous of he had a huge house, he was rich, he had the hottest girl in the year as his girlfriend and i envied him, because he had the life i'd always wanted, but when i got to know him, i soon found out all the families problems he'd had, the selfharm he'd done, and it made me think that you should never judge happiness just on a smile ...

Bringing Alcohol In To The Equation

Being a hormonal teenager we want to try out everything that can be exciting or fun and one of those main things that most teenagers love nowadays is ALCOHOL and now that i had some propper friends i got invited to a party where i could propperlly drink as much as i wanted to and noone would care, but this being the first time i had unlimited alcohol, to a degree, i would drink as much as i could to see how i could take, so i was taking shots, beers, ciders, alcopops and all sorts, and i didnt realise that it would all kick in at once, and thats where my memory goes fuzzy...

i wake up in the morning feeling awful just to here that i'd been grabbing the girls bums, trying to undo their bras and all sorts, and suddenly i'd gone from frigid to man slut over night, and for the whole group they saw that i was just another normal horny teenage boy, and that realisation kinda hit home and i realised that i was NORMAL.

oh yeah one thing i did forget, mixing my drinks wasnt a good idea, seeing as i passed out and was throwing up and luckily thanks to two of the boys that were sober enough to look after me managed to prevent me from choking on my own sick - making that twice they'd saved my life in the space of about a month or so...

New Begininings

So now that i had finally been propperly accepted into a social group i felt alot more at ease with myself and started to come out of my shell abit more and as i bounced off my new friends i began to grow in confidence and even though people were still make remarks about my appearance, my new found confidence helped me ignore it and make it into more of a joke or use it to insult them back like if someone said 'you're fat' i could go 'i can lose wait but you'll always be an arsehole'

i know it may sound petty but fighting back and sticking up for myself actually mad a difference as i made it clear that i wasnt some doormat that could just be walked all over, and now that i was more confidence i just had to sort the rest of my life out, because there was always that lingering feeling of cutting again, just because i had one bad day, the thought would always become more prominant in my mind set and i'd have to find someone or something that could do that!

Third Time Lucky?

So after my seconf time of cutting, i started to realise that it was an easy way of realsing all that anger i'd been building up and began seeing that it was the only way out and i stopped being able to see a future for myself. But in my solitude i began to start becoming more focused on just passing my GCSEs and proving to people that i was good at something, even though i'd been playing rubgy for the last 4 years i never felt that i was good enough even though i got trials for county twice, and as i had began cutting myself i withdrew from rugby and now i realise that rugby had been my outlet for anger for the last year or so.

And after getting A* and A's in most of my year 10 exams i realised that it was worth living as i could get a good job to then earn aload of money and get married and have kids, but that aspect of my live seemed so far away and unachievable most of the time. But i grasped this glimmer of hope in all the darkness that surrounded and i shortly i found myself in a new group of friends that all understood what i had been through and i realised that both boys and girls had been through the same as me and they started inviting me out to things which helped keep my mind off cutting myself, and they saved my lifee, and will do a couple more times, but in a lot less serious situations...

Days Like This

It's days like these that make life worth living

Moving On Up? If Only I Was That Lucky

After that incident i became so self conscious as i didnt want people to see my cuts and how badly i had hurt myself and after i had done it i felt alot more at ease with my self as that had be the outlet for my emotion as i'm not really someone that cries, i bottle my emotions up until i cant take anymore, and that is usually my down fall, but when people started to notice my cuts, they kind of stepped away abit and became distance, eventhough i knew that some of them had selfharmed at one point or another, none of them really gave me the support that i needed.

But i couldnt tell my mum or any one of authority because i didnt want to have to go to hosiptal and have therapy and talk about what had happened, because i wouldnt be able to deal with it all. And thats when a friend suggested auditiong for the school musical, and once i got into that the cheery music and alter ego of someone from the past helped me to forget who i waomentarily, but as soon as that was over the rumours about me being gay got more malicious and even though i had a girlfriend, people still spread them, and just as my previous cuts had healed i could feel that new ones were going to coming in the near future.

My girlfriend fully understand what i was going through because she'd had a similar issue in the past and she really helped me, but when she broke up with me, i just hated myself again because i though it was because :
- i'm too fat
- i'm ugly
- i'm not manly enough
- i'm ginger
and it all czme flooding back to me and i took thee knife into my grasp and plunged it into my demise as the blood came flowing out the anger disappeared.

Coming To An End?

I found things considerabley harder to cope with when i entered year 10 (age 15) as stress of GCSE's where getting to me aswell as all these comments people were saying to me, but somehow they were getting worse and i couldn't understand why. So i was feeling contsantly put down and low and i couldn't actually see a way out, i felt like i just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up or get hit by a car, i just wanted a way to escape from all this pain that i was going through, because there was nothing i could do to escape from it.

And on the night that it all started i wrote out things similar to this :
- i hate being ginger
- i hate being fat
- i wish i could die
- no girl will ever love me
- i'll always be alone and miserable

And so on, and this is how i felt and i needed something and i was just looking for things in my room to occupy me and i found a pen knife, and i checked out all the different parts and as i turned it round i pricked my finger with the blade, and i suddenly felt very satistfied, and i took the blade to my wrist and continuously slashed it making it bleed and bleed, and i repeated this on my other wrist aswell, and i started really enjoying it as i saw this as the end of my life and my start to another, but i was interupted by a text which said

'Dan, thanks for always being here for me xxx'

which made my heat sink, how could i leave her after all she's been through, she needs me to be alive!

I Know What You're Thinking

I bet some of you readers are thinking 'isn't it girls that have these kind of issues?' or something similar, but boys do go through this, alot of them are just to ashamed to admit that others made them feel shit at times, but i'm gunna be fully open about every step of the way because i feel that i can help those that are to ashamed to talk about it to someone they know. And just because of gender, it doesn't mean that we aren't susseptable to the abuse to others and the effect it can have on people lives and what they do as a result of this whether it being self harm, eating dissorders or even suicide....

Part 4

Even dispite my efforts to lose weight in secondary school, i was still unsuccessful and with puberty kicking in aswell, spots rose to become one of my main problems as i felt that i had to look perfect all the time, jsut so people wouldnt say spiteful and offensive things to me. And i as i entered year 9 (age 14) people started to spread a rumour that i was gay (which i am most definietly not) just because i didnt play football at lunch with the other boys and i was madly obsessed and knowledgeable about every football and related subjects. Which contributed to making my life worse, and with the pressure of that and my school studies my spots got to the point where my face was seconds away from errupting at any point.

And through the advice of my mum i went to the doctors and i got perscribed antibiotics that helped reduce my spot considerabley, which helped reduce my worries, but no matter where i went i'd always here : 'gingerr!'  fattty, go eat some cakes' 'gay boy!' and similar things and it wasnt always confined to school i could be out and about and kids thought that it would be fair to abuse me for no apparent reason, and its not like my hair is firey ginger, its fairly dark, and i was never hugely fat, it just seemes like i was as everyone else seemed to be so much thinner.

Part 3

So just as everything was starting to look up for me with getting a girlfriend and moving up to secodary school, it all came to an end. Pretty much as soon as the school year endd, i got dumped and i was going to have to go to a new school where i barely knew anyone, and being aware that i was overweight i could tell that people were going to say mean things and that the whole 'ginger' thing was going to arise again.

And the aspect of all that was extremely daunting to an 11 year old child, but i guess that was life, but being so young i was still fairly oblivious to the comments and all they did was make me upset every know and again and i began to hate myself and wanted to be different, i was sick of my own body.

Spread The Word

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say that I want to help and talk to as many people as I can, people that have experienced similar things that i have so they know they aren't alone and that there's people to help, or just if you want advice on something! so i'd appreciate it if you tell as many people about this blog!
THANKS :)

Part 2

So yeah this boy used to hit me when he got angry, which was all the time, and over the period of this happened my self confidence was continuely knocked until i felt that i was worthless, and I just became so scared and unsafe all the time which stopped me with getting involved with sports and other similar things, meaning that i also lost a few friends too, but eventuaqlly this boy left the school, meaning that I finally had the oppotunity to rebuild my confidence, but it wasn't that easy, because i was so shy and scared that i couldn't talk to anyone and even my grades suffered. But there was this one girl that could see the real me and after several weeks of talking we got together (but inly being like 11 it wasn't anything much) but she helped me on my way to improving my life.

Comments

Just so you readers know, I want to see your comments on my posts on your own personal experiences, or even to ask me questions, i'd be more than happy to respond : )

From The Start

Just a bit about me now, luckily I was blessed ith ginger hair (haha, yeah that's where it all started) so I went through primary school being the only ginger, but aswell as that i had a cows lick so my hair flicked up at the front, and something else I was like 3 stone over weight since birth, so I was an easy target for people to take the mick and mock me, but at this age I was fairly ignorant to it, and didnt really understand, but I was the kid that 'neutralised' the naughty boy, who would shout in my face and hit me, but I was always too scared to say anything - to anyone.
And that's were my bullying problem started.

My Parents

one thing i forgot to tell you guys, yeah my mum and dad got divorced when i was 3 and 4 years ago when i was 12 my dad decided to move to the other side of the world, Australia. And when he left 13 years ago, he left my mum with nothing and since then she's struggled to get the best for me and my brother.

Quote

I know I haven't gone through all the shit that i've been through yet, but this is a quote that really applies to me:

 'I always wanted to be one of those people who didn't really care much about what people thought about them, but I just don't think I can'

 

And by reading this i realised that not just normal people have been through what i have but some celebrities have too.



Intro

Being a teenager I'm obviously gunna be used to certain things in life like peer pressure, alcohol, drugs, stress, school work and the worst of all - BULLYING which is the thing that flipped my life upside down ad made me do alot of things that were harmful to myself and those around me

Photo no.1

Cause sometimes its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so we have take a shortcut through the woods to make it easier

 

First timer

Yeah, so this is my first post and this blog is pretty much gunna be about what I've done wrong in my life and how I overcome the them all and I'm here to offer advice to anyone who wants it.